The decision to stay in Philadelphia after college wasn't particularly hard at the time, because despite droves of people heading to NYC and other similar metropolitan areas, I still had a handful of friends opting to stay or still in school here. But as each year passed, one more friend would relocate, and I found myself lacking a core group of girlfriends. Marathons of Sex and the City and Girls reminded me what it was like to have a crew, you know? Where everyone knew each others business, and you didn't have to give the entire back story when you had a new juicy story to tell. Granted, I think I haven't really had a "crew" for a while, even in college, I had very close one-on-one friendships with people, who almost always had their own "crew" that I wasn't necessarily apart of, but they valued our friendship enough to call me one of their "best friends". We'd always have our dinner dates and girls nights full of wine and laughter, but the girl group outings definitely declined after college.
The coupling up certainly had something to do with it. I look back at my 23rd birthday dinner and while 20 people were at the table, it was comprised of at least 8 couples, but mind you only two of them married. And God forbid anything happen that might make having only couples as friends awkward and/or social life suicide, I remembered the importance of having good girlfriends. So again, I started to make the effort of rekindling girls nights and outings, which were always warmly received and excitedly attended, but the invitations weren't being extended at the same rate. But yet, I'd see these same people on social networks seeming to have the time of their lives with other girlfriends who lived in the city.
Do they not really like me? Am I lame or boring? Psh couldn't be that, I'm the life of the party lol. I would think to myself. Confused by the fact that I was apparently tolerable in some settings (couples dinners, select group outings, etc.), but not others. "Looked like fun, guess I missed the invite...", I'd jokingly say sometimes, only to get the "Oh I thought you'd be hanging out with your man" or "It was a real last minute thing." And I probably was curled up watching some awesome movie on Netflix with him, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't have liked the opportunity to join or decline the invitation for a raincheck.
But then I started to realize that some people have different friends for different things. Like Google+ Circles. Some are party friends, some are couple friends, some are shopping friends. I personally am not one of those people. If you're my friend, you're my friend in all situations, and I'll invite you to anything I host and pretty much anywhere I'm going. I'll give you the choice whether or not you'd like to join from your own comfort level. But apparently, that's not how everyone operates.
I've read lots of articles about how hard it is to make new friends in your 30s, but apparently the mid 20s in a big city aren't a cakewalk either. I've met lots of cool people in the past few years, but taking it from first introduction to the next friend date without seeming like a total creeper is somehow escaping me. Joining the Junior League has helped, having created a core group of like-minded women, seeking to build a social network that all live or work in a 10 block radius. But it's still a category of "Junior League" friends.
Is the time period where you made non-circumstantial true friends really over? From conversations with friends in living in other major cities, I'm starting to think it might be. How's it been making new good friends for you post-college?
Is the time period where you made non-circumstantial true friends really over? From conversations with friends in living in other major cities, I'm starting to think it might be. How's it been making new good friends for you post-college?
I know we've chatted about this before. I agree, it's so hard to make friends after college (especially if you're a new to the city). First, I think you're just generally exposed to less people as an adult. Second, as you mentioned, people already have established groups of friends and they are less apt to let a "newbie" into their circle. I think the silver lining though is that when you do make friends after college they tend to be stronger connection. You might not have as many friends, but the few friends you have are much closer to you than the larger group of girls you hung out with on a regular basis in college. But your post really got me thinking and I think I need to put myself out there more. Just do more networking professionally and personally. Also, we need to have more girls nights! Like a regularly schedule thing, except I don't really have any girls to bring to the table. LOL
ReplyDeleteLOL! Well you should think about doing the JL this Fall! By September, I'll have a good sense of whether or not it's something I'm going to keep up with, but so far so good. I do agree that the newer friends I've made or friendships that have developed further, in addition to old friends that haven't "washed out" are the strongest ones. It's so easy to get into the habit of hanging out at home with your best friend, but every now and then a good girls night is just what the doctor ordered. We should either get into a show (Cougar Town perhaps? lol) or maybe even a chick lit book club that meets like once a month?
DeleteI love this post, because it's something I have definitely battled with since graduating from college six years ago. I thought something was wrong with me because it was hard to make friends in the way I was used to - having a gaggle, or clan, of ladyfriends you see all the time, without having to make plans super far in advance. I tried joining clubs, groups, etc., but while I'd meet one or two nice people here and there, they never really became true friends, and I found it tiring and demoralizing. Part of what made moving to Philadelphia so exciting was the chance to start fresh in a new place, and I've been amazed at how applying some of my hard-earned-learnings from NYC have helped in the months I've been here.
ReplyDeleteI think the things that helped me to move beyond this tough & emotionally trying place were:
1.) Be REALLY friendly, and follow up when you meet a potential friend. Don't be afraid that she'll think you're a creep; would you be creeped out, or flattered, if that awesome chick you were chatting at during a meeting or at a party wrote you an email the next day saying how great it was to meet you, asking to hang? Often we're afraid of seeming weird or overeager, and it makes us shy away from really pursuing friendships. When you meet someone awesome, ask for her email or phone number, follow up with a text/email, and suggest getting coffee or a drink, suggest specific dates, nail something down. Once you hang out twice, you'll know whether or not you have friend chemistry and it'll take off from there. I know this sounds strangely romantic, but honestly? It's not that different from dating, in a way. Pursue your new friend like a romantic prospect would. We like to feel pursued - and when a cool girl pursues friendship with us, I'd say 99.9% of the time we're excited and flattered, and most of all relieved that she had the cojones to reach out.
2.) Embrace the categories. It doesn't mean that you're not loved - but you're not going to be loved the same amount by everyone. I'm sure we all have our soul-friends who are like sisters, and then our good friends whom we talk to a few times a month, even if she don't go so far as to have shopping/drinks/crazytimes friends. When you're left without a clan after school ends, it can feel scary not to be surrounded by your soul-friends; but don't try to make it work with girls with whom you don't have friend chemistry. I spent a lot of time trying to move friends from one category to the soul-friend level, and always ended up disappointed and lonely. It was really only once I let go of that, appreciated that I had soul-friends whom I might not see every day because they don't live in the same city - and I only have 3 of those, even though I wanted like 7 - but they're still my sisters, it made it easier to have honest and fulfilling relationships with new girls I met along the way, and appreciate those friendships for what they brought into my life, instead of trying to use them to plug an emotional hole.
3.) Think outside the age box. Most of the friends I made after college were 5 - 10 years older than I was, which ended up suiting me really well; they were more in step with where I was in my life than my 23 year old counterparts. Whenever I hung out with other 23 year olds I felt a little like a freakshow, or else I found it hard to break into their circles, as you mention, Marissa. With older friends their lives were more settled - they had more stability in their jobs/relationships/lives - and knew what they wanted from friendships, and made time for hanging out in a planned way, which I really appreciated. Now that I'm 28 I have friends who are 35, and 25 (Hey, LV!) and am able to relate to them more than some of my 28-year-old litter mates.
Love to hear your thoughts on this - and now that I've read all this I'm going to actively pursue friendship with you Lauren, so watch yo'self!
Uh oh! Haha I warmly welcome your pursuit ;) but really I appreciate your reading and the thoughtful insight on a matter that seems to be plaguing many of us. I certainly agree that the friend courtship is almost too strangely reminiscent of dating and probably why I've struggled a bit. Having regarded myself as coy and to be pursued, in the dating world at least, the aggression isn't such an innate skill, but I'm working on it. I do very much think I'd be flattered, I actually met someone at the HH that told me she liked me and was going to look me up, and that felt great! Now to just muster the cojones to make another perspective friend feel the same is on my agenda. Talking to some of the women in other provisional groups, I felt really lucky that our group has really gelled and we're all pretty active and hoping to make lasting friendships from being in the organization, and I've already started to develop a few :)
DeleteI'm so bad at guessing ages that my friends have pretty much always spanned the spectrum, but I do tend to go to some of my older friends for advice and appreciate they're candor and lack of judgement based on their own life experiences. I think I've come to realize that there isn't really anything wrong with categorization, and in our friendship you may learn that I'm über sensitive and can sometimes take things the wrong way, so that considered I probably shouldn't take things like lack of invites as snubs as its likely not intended that way. I am coming to terms with a "crew" being intrinsic to situations where people have essentially grown up together, for me that's boarding school and college, for others it's having the luxury of living in the city where they grew up. I think embracing groups and organizations is the best step I can take towards developing great friendships and not trying to force them into anything because I miss having my best friends across the hall or down the street.
I've chosen to make Philly my home, so here's to developing both new and deeper friendships as they may, without the concern or overanalysis of whether she's bridesmaid worthy lol. And now we have to have drinks to cheers to that!