The "Out of Nowhere" Breakup of your 20s

I've heard from guy and girl friends alike the same "it came out of nowhere" break up story over the past few months, maybe even years. The "it's not you, it's me"s. The "I just need to focus on my career" right now. The "I'm not ready to get married, so why be so serious" conversations. And depending on which side of the table my friend happened to land on, my response varied, but in all honesty I get it. It always sucks to be on the receiving end of the breakup news when you claim to have thought things were going just fine, but the truth of the matter is the "out of nowhere" breakup is never really out of nowhere.

The signs are always there. Whether it be the lack of presence while doing things that you used to enjoy together, or something as blatant as claiming to be on a "break" when going stag to a wedding, that weird feeling in the pit of your stomach that you can't quite distinguish between hunger and nausea is called [woman's] intuition. And it doesn't mean that the other person is most certainly in the wrong and you should go snooping through things because the Chinese food you had for lunch didn't sit well and you're confusing that for a sign, it simply means something might be off about the situation and worth addressing. But when you address it and you get the "I need to find myself" excuse I empathize, because that might be one of the hardest pills to swallow.

It's the hardest to swallow because you can't place on the blame on either side, but yet don't know where to direct the angry and confused energy. Because you can't argue with someone about what they perceive as their life journey and what that journey entails, especially because every opinion article or self-help book about the 20s preaches how this is the time to be the "good kind of selfish". What I'd really like to know is when our society became so entitled that the thought of the possibility of other options and opportunities out-valued the tangible things or people currently in ones life. We've become a generation expectant of such immediate gratification, constantly plugged into some device that redirects our attention away from the present into a virtual world of endless possibility and lose sight of the people and things right in front of us. It's like our self-esteem is affirmed by the number of likes a photo gets on Instagram, sexual fantasies can be experienced voyeuristically with a few clicks, and you feel like you know someone because you stalked their social media profiles, but yet you refer to them with their middle name as their last. It's not real, people.


I understand that the "20s" are a time of limited responsibility to be taken advantage of and dreams chased, but it doesn't call for a complete lack of legitimate emotional engagement. You don't have to sabotage a good thing or hurt and confuse someone else to be successful. Some may call it collateral damage, and that's fine if you'd like that kind of karma in your life. But seriously, how many of the world's most successful men and women met their spouses in their early 20s and their marriages have stood the test of time? But of course, as we all inevitably feel stifled by life at this stage, the easiest way to relieve some pressure is to take the frustration out on the constants in your life. And since you kind of need money to sustain, you don't quit your job, but instead you pour all the bs onto your significant other. When you're the most confused about direction in your life, you take it out on and eventually get rid of the few constants in your life. Real smart.

Maybe it's a defense tactic, maybe it's a training exercise, go it rogue alone and stuff. I have to imagine that it is a learning experience, and an important one, as there are definitely some things you have to learn in an unbiased manner. But figuring out who you are isn't some ready-made and packaged trip to put in your shopping cart. You don't stumble upon some cave in Santorini and discover a small box labeled "Self". It's the actual journey of experiences that life brings that refine who you are. And it's not like you're only allowed to travel the world between the ages of 18-29. In reality, you probably don't even have the money to do it right now. And having a significant other doesn't stop you from seeing the world, in fact shouldn't it be even more fun to have a companion to share the experience with?

I guess it's all about perspective. And you can't tell anyone how they should receive anything. But I do honestly feel like hyper-exposure to extravagant lifestyles through the media is giving our generation a bad case of "The Grass is Always Greener" syndrome, and dysfunctional relationships on center stage reality TV perpetuates "Have my cake and eat it too" syndromes. Not that these people should be anyone's role models, but such reckless behavior implies that lack of responsibility for personal behavior and subsequently other people's feelings is ok and acceptable. Which is where I think the "it's not you, it's me" thing gets its wealth. It's a cop out, a facade of caring not to hurt the other person's feelings by admitting something is wrong with yourself, but not being forced to explain much further than that. Idk I'm kind of ranting here. But ultimately time waits for no one. And pontificating about what your life should be isn't half as fun as actually living it. Mistakes and all.