I'm quite sure the combination of intelligence and over-empathy is like P90X for one's brain - an unrelenting workout that promises to give you the most chiseled perspective ever, if you can just push through it. Except people strangely elect to turn those tortuous DVDs on, knowing the workout will only last an hour or so, and that they'll have accomplished some goal by the end of it. Trying to understand someone's feelings and rationalize them to yourself, while some might think it's an elective act, for me, maybe in the beginning, but then I'm frantically searching for the off button. It's an incredibly pervasive exercise that often only a glass or three of wine can begin to take the edge off of.
I am an energy sponge. Directly and indirectly affected by the emotional climate around me. And some might think it's an incredible strength that allows me to be open various feelings, vulnerable and approachable, understanding and introspective, it's incredibly exhausting. Especially because this apparent self-less-ness kind of comes from a selfish place. I hate for anyone to have anything but positive feelings towards me. Ridiculous, it may seem to some who could give a rat's patootie about what people think of them, and I envy that freedom of mind. I specifically say freedom of mind because I have no intentions of changing my behavior to accommodate such naysayers. In fact they can kiss my patootie if I feel I've done nothing to warrant such behavior, but I masochistically crave attempted understanding of it, as if all feelings and behaviors can be rationalized.
What I'm searching for is the ability to, put simply, care less. And it's hardest to do this with those that you love, because it's inherently the opposite of love. Whether it's a family member, romantic partner or friend, and they seem to be in some time of need or emotional turmoil, you want to be there for them, help them figure it out, lighten the burden somehow. But if you have some iota of a reason to think you're wrapped up in or the source of these problematic feelings then it becomes even more of a paralyzing mindscrew because you're not sure if your presence helps or worsens the situation. Regardless it is not healthy to volunteer to be anyone's emotional dumping ground when you are perfectly aware of what that type of energy will do to your brain, without proper training.
So I'm trying to train myself to care less. To not spend sleepless nights wondering how I can fix something that may or may not have anything to do with me. To not over-extend myself because one might think less of me if I don't. Because I'm tired of feeling like the hamster on the wheel frantically looking for the big red stop button like on the treadmill. Because my brain doesn't have one, not a natural one at least...
Maybe it's time to try yoga.
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